In past posts I’ve alluded to how taking control of my mental health helped support my wellness journey. When I got a grasp on my mental health, I was able to start focusing on other things. This doesn’t mean I still don’t have issues with my mental health, because no matter what, we’ll all hit roadblocks. Some of us may hit larger roadblocks than others. With an important anniversary coming up, I want to talk about dealing with mental health. I’ll discuss this further in. I’m going to discuss challenges I’ve faced in my life and talk about how I continue to deal with them to keep moving forward.
A Lifetime of Mental Health and Wellness Challenges
My whole life has been a conflict of emotions, as it is with most people. This doesn’t set me apart in any way. Where I find my life different and like many people is that I’ve spent my whole life, at least as long as I can remember, living in a larger body. I don’t blame anyone for this. Part of it is genetic, but much of it comes from my eating and exercise habits. I considered myself active, but my exercise habits weren’t well rounded. My eating habits weren’t under control either. However, a major challenge I had to overcome was listening to and believing what others said about me.
Listening to others can support you or create larger problems, especially when you take in all the negative. For me, the negative tended to sink in more than all the positives. The positives would lift me for a moment. The negatives can take you down and keep you down if you let them. They often did, especially when they were repeated regularly. When you’re continually told that your body is not acceptable and thus the rest of you isn’t, you can develop negative opinions about yourself. I did. Looking in the mirror didn’t help.
Beyond what I was told, I developed a mindset that I was healthy and athletic. To some extent I was. As a weightlifter I was well above average. I was a good softball player, but I didn’t have the drive to develop the talent, strength and stamina. Others regularly reminded me of this, often unintentionally. I also reminded myself of this. Years of this began to add up.
One Moment Can Impact a Life
Even though I spent a lifetime dealing with my mental health and didn’t recognize it. I made a choice that would impact me for the rest of my life. As a college student I became involved in doing mission work during my breaks from classes. During spring break of my 2005/2006 school year, I decided to participate in a mission trip to help with clean up after Hurricane Katrina.
As a twenty-year-old who spent months watching the news and seeing all the trauma from one of the most devastating natural disasters in US history, I thought it was a great opportunity to help. It was and I don’t regret doing it. However, I had no idea how this experience would impact me for years to come. I won’t go into detail about the experience. To most it wouldn’t sound traumatic, and in so many ways it was rewarding, but there were things that twenty years later I still can’t forget. If you don’t deal with the trauma and, in my case, choose to cover it up, it will eventually come to a boiling point.
Putting on a Front
Over the years everything built up and I felt like trash. Outside I would put on a front that everything was okay. I smiled, offered help to others and laughed, even at myself because others were. It was easier to join in than walk away. Everyone around me thought everything was fine. How was anyone to know differently.
I didn’t like myself physically and, to be honest, I didn’t like myself in so many ways. I walked around frustrated. There were triggers from my experience with hurricane clean up that I recognized but tried to ignore. Over time I found myself getting angrier and more depressed. This further impacted my physical health. I didn’t know what to do and wasn’t sure who to talk to. See, in my family we often don’t discuss our feelings and most look at having psychological issues as a weakness. I was even told by family members that I was making things up or I needed to learn to live with it. The problem was, I live with it every day. This made me not want to share my issues with anyone. I was scared, confused and unsure of what to do.
When it all Boils Over
After years of hiding behind a front, things started to boil over. Being a people pleaser didn’t help. Before, as there was some pressure on me to perform at work, I handled it and was able to keep things hidden. As I gained more responsibility, I tried to keep things under wraps and kept doing what I was doing. Inside I was falling apart.
I started finding myself in compromising situations, brought on by myself for not saying no and others for whatever reason. When I got too frustrated and overwhelmed, I reacted. There were times when I overreacted. My triggers became more triggering. Little things would set me off. I had no organization in my life. Things felt like they were spiraling out of control.
I remember distinctly when everything came to a boiling point. One evening I was driving back to campus after getting dinner for my students. There had been some crazy things that happened at home and were happening at school over during the day and those leading up to it. In western Tennessee there are some deep trenches and runoffs. I considered ditching my car in one of them with me in it. Who was going to notice? The only thing that stopped me was the student in the passenger seat. I wasn’t going to let anything happen to him. This was a turning point and breaking point in my life and mental health journey.
Seeking Help
Many people aren’t as fortunate as me when it comes to a situation like I found myself in. I had a few friends and colleagues who could see something was wrong and they had already started intervening. I was urged, and in one case, told I needed counseling. At the time they didn’t know my whole story and for them that wasn’t the point. They knew I needed help. Begrudgingly, I started going.
As I previously stated, my family doesn’t talk about personal issues and counseling wasn’t discussed or it was frowned upon. I went to counseling once after doing Hurricane Katrina relief work and was told more would be good, but I chose not to. During the aforementioned incident, I was attending counseling sessions. I trusted my counselor and was beginning to slowly and painstakingly open up about everything. It wasn’t easy, but it helped. That day and evening I had a major slip.
Here’s where I was more fortunate. I got back to campus and dropped the student off. Immediately, I sought help from the counselor who wasn’t available. I called a friend who didn’t answer right away, but knew if I was calling during class, I needed help. She immediately called me back. We talked and although she wasn’t available to help, I had two other friends who could. I spent the evening going about finishing the student broadcast production as though nothing happened. Until recently I wasn’t sure how much my friends who helped knew. I’ve since learned, they were very aware. Due to how much it impacted us we don’t discuss it, but they knew. There’s always someone who will help. Trust me, there are people who will notice and will miss you.
Being Open Can Help Mental Health
Over the last few years, I’ve started to slowly open up about my experiences with mental health. Moreso, I’ve started discussing pieces of Hurricane Katrina. I recognize my triggers and have learned how to, not so much control them, but handle my reactions to them. This has been part of my therapy for myself. I also see it as a way to help others understand that they’re not alone. Fighting a mental health issue can make it feel like you’re the only one experiencing your trauma. This is not to say your trauma isn’t important. It most definitely is. What should be understood is, there are people who will listen. There are spaces to get help.
Seeking support through counseling has been a major step. I’ve gained confidence in myself and learned to understand who I am. Learning about myself involves talking to people I trust about some of my deepest issues. There are only a few people who know what I’ve experienced. They know because I know they will support me and won’t share my struggles unless I want them to. You don’t need to tell everyone or anyone. You don’t need to share that you are getting help. Getting it out is a relief, but it doesn’t mean it’s over.
Moving Forward
Many people who struggle with their weight and health are often impacted by mental health challenges. My frustration and trauma hasn’t gone away. It’s part of my life and part of who I am. I’ve learned ways and strategies to work with and live with the trauma. With the 20th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina coming up, I’ve found myself thinking about and to some extent reliving my experiences. In some ways, I feel like I’m reliving it all over. In August and early September my emotions are at a tug of war, but this year has felt different. I share this as therapy for me and to support others.
Everyone’s story is different, but they are all important. As we go through life, if we don’t deal with it, it continues to compound and feel out of control This can make moving forward in other areas almost impossible. I’m not an expert on mental health. I can only share my experience as a way to potentially help someone else. No matter how deep the issue or trauma, seeking help is the right move. No one needs to know but you. While it may feel that there aren’t people out there who care, I guarantee there are.