My name is Pamela Peters. Throughout most of my life I have fought to lose weight and keep it off. I found this to be frustrating and depressing, which ultimately led me to question the importance of my life. I had goals, dreams and desires, but often put them on hold or made excuses as to why I could not do something because I was afraid of being embarrassed or I could not physically participate. I found myself afraid to do many things in public, sometimes I avoided going to a restaurant or an event with my friends because I didn’t want to be stared at or laughed at. I feared being in public because I was concerned that if I sat on a chair it would break, or I might not fit in a space. When I rode I on a plane I could always see the looks from other passengers as they avoided wanting to sit next to me. It was even more embarrassing to have to ask for a seatbelt extension because I felt the airline attendants would laugh at me behind my back.
From 2009 to 2011 I found myself feeling at my lowest point physically and mentally. I lost my grandfather a few months after I finished my master’s degree, which was one of the highest points of my life. I was already extremely overweight, but that came to a head when I ended up in the hospital one night with chest pains. I remember thinking to myself that I was 23 years old and having a heart attack. I found out that I had a potassium deficiency and combined with stress I was having the tightness. I made a commitment to change, but after months of searching for a job, watching my grandfather slip away and hearing hurtful things from members of my family, I slipped into a silent depression. I spent two years working as a customer service representative for a large corporation and was so low on myself, I quit looking for a job in my field of study. Eventually, with the urging of one of my supervisors, I started job hunting again and found a position teaching at a college in Tennessee.
While I felt better about my job security, I was still emotionally depressed because I felt that I could not do many of the things that I wanted to. I got out and did short hiking treks made friends, but did not really feel good about myself. In 2011/2012 I reached the peak of my weight, around 400 pounds. I was eating out regularly, not thinking about what I was eating and not working out in a consistent or sustainable manner. Living in Tennessee made me want to be outside in the hills, woods and mountains, but physically it was an extreme challenge. I also got a camera back in my hand and took up nature photography. Pursuing this hobby was hard, but the desire to further my passion as a photographer and teacher was the push I needed to focus on me and my life. I wanted to travel. I wanted to see the US National Parks. And, I wanted to see the world. I’m not sure what the epiphany was, but something hit me and I began to work towards my goals.
Between 2012 and 2015 my weight dropped down to around 220 pounds. The last time I was down to that weight was probably in early high school or middle school. When I was powerlifting I don’t remember ever weighing in below 300 pounds. As my weight dropped I gained confidence in myself, my abilities and my future. I spent two to three years being consistent in working out and watching what I ate, for the most part. The problem I ran into was, I had never really been taught or urged to be consistent in setting healthy eating habits. I also still faced the inner and outer demons telling me I wasn’t good enough. While I gained confidence in some areas, I had some people putting me down or telling me it wasn’t enough. I also became so wrapped up in my job as what defined me that I forgot to focus on me. I was worried about pleasing others. Because I still lacked confidence in many areas of my life I started to resort to many of my old habits, with some control in that I noticed (to some extent) what was happening and still tried to watch my eating and exercise habits.
Over time the next 5 years I gained about 30 pounds back, then seemed to level off for a short period. I was still exercising, but I was so focused on pleasing others and being successful at my job that I quit working toward the life goals I had set for myself. As I abandoned many of my healthy habits I began dealing with mental health issues again, especially depression and I started having flashbacks to events of my past, which made everything worse. I was fortunate to have friends and mentors who supported and pushed me to be my best. I started looking back at the goals I set and, through their urging, I took steps to start pursuing them.
In 2020 I left a job, that while challenging and sometimes frustrating, I loved. I made the decision to pursue one of the most important goals I had set for my life. I left Tennessee and moved back home to pursue my PhD. While the decision to further my education was right, I still put myself into some positions that caused my depression to flare up. I listened to negative comments. I allowed people to put me down without standing up for myself. It depleted my confidence in myself and reflected in my mental health and my weight gain of about 20 pounds in a few months. After my first year back in school I moved out of where I had been living and made the decision to not only focus on my education, but also to focus on me.
From 2021 – 2023 I committed to finishing my PhD and losing weight. I was going to do some of the things I dreamed about and I wasn’t going to listen to the naysayers. I never realized until I got deep into the process how one challenge impacted the other. As my health got better, my ability to focus on my schoolwork got better. I focused on creating healthy eating habits, exercising regularly and focused on my mental health. I slowly, but consistently dropped from 270 pounds to where I am today, staying around 140 to 150 pounds. I must admit that I did not do this alone. I had support from close friends and family. I also, for the first time, used a weightloss program, Noom. I never believed in these programs and am not sponsored by them, but it worked for me. It put the responsibility on me to change while providing support.
As I reached my goals I started pursuing some of the things that I wanted to do. I have challenged myself to go on multiple hiking trips that are physically and mentally challenging. I use these experiences to continue pursuing being a nature photographer. I have also challenged myself to take up long distance running. In 2024 I finished my first half marathon and I training for the next with the ultimate goal of running a marathon in a few years. I am constantly looking for new challenges and pursuits. Through it all I keep in mind that while working and supporting others is important, I must also make space for me. All of this does not mean that the challenges are over. It does not mean I don’t hear negative comments or have people trying to take me down. It doesn’t mean I still don’t have to struggle with my relationship with food. The challenges never end, but how I approach them makes all the difference.
